Duality of Healing

They say that grief is not a constant line. That it comes in waves. Comes at unexpected times and from unexpected triggers. That you will be fine one day and broken all over again the next. So that I expected, anticipated.

What I did not see coming was the duality to my healing. The difficulty of holding more than one emotion at a time.

For months, I hated happiness. I hated when I felt happy. I hated joy. Smiling quickly turned sour. It made me feel guilty and wrong.

It took time for me to realize that I am more complicated than one emotion. That I could give power to multiple, and often conflicting emotions simultaneously.

That I could feel...

grief AND relief.

joy AND sadness.

loss AND hope.

I could give power to multiple, and often conflicting emotions simultaneously.

This was my first real step to healing. When I forgave myself for feeling joy in spite of my sadness. For allowing myself to feel relief about the outcome while also grieving my unborn child. When I fully embraced my loss while also feeling hopeful about a future pregnancy.

We humans are complex. Complicated.

And we can feel all the feelings, all at once.

How overwhelming, how amazing.